Giving Credit where Credit is Due: Thank You, African American Studies at the University of Puget Sound

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Written by Serena Sevasin

On the afternoon of Sunday, June 7, 2020, Mimi Duncan, Jaylen Antoine and myself (Serena Sevasin) lead a peaceful protest and march for Black lives. As students of the University of Puget Sound (UPS), we began this march and protest right on our own campus. There were a lot of steps we knew we needed to take when we began planning this event, but none of us had any experience organizing something like this, and we felt unsure where to start. Until we emailed the professors of the African American (AFAM) studies program. The night of Tuesday June, 2nd we received our first reply email from Dr. Dexter Gordon with a list of steps to take and people to make contact with. We got right to work, and we were fully supported by the members of AFAM and the Race & Pedagogy Institute (RPI) along the way. 

Mimi Duncan (pictured left) and Serena Sevasin (picture right) walking in front of the Puget Sound Memorial Field House. Photographed by Sy Bean.

I acknowledge AFAM specifically because of the support of their entire program in our process, but also because of how they have influenced us as students to this point. Personally, becoming a major in African American studies is the best thing I have done for myself, and in return, my community. I immediately refer to my previous experience in my AFAM 399 Public Scholarship course with Dr. LaToya Brackett. In the past spring, going virtual was a bitter and reflective time. I used lots of this spare time both reading and writing, looking more specifically at texts for our class such as On Intellectual Activism by Patricia Hill Collins and Is Everyone Really Equalby Özlem Sensoy and Robin DiAngelo. Both of these texts not only provided me with terminology and theory for my lived experiences, but also encouraged action outside the walls of academia to engage people with these issues. With using these texts as frameworks to approach a public column surrounding identity called Dear Serena, I was able to not only put my experiences into words, but in ways I could create accessible content to masses of people, not just those in the classroom. 

Serena Sevasin giving a speech at Wright Park. Photographed by @350tacoma.

My Public Scholarship course experience this spring connects directly to my experience and leadership this past weekend, and more especially how I executed and processed the events of the protest. The AFAM program has created spaces for me to feel safe sharing my identity, my view, and my humanity with others. And I want to be clear, I have felt solidarity in these spaces long before our planning of the Black Lives Matter protest. Knowing that students are seen, heard, and guided by the leadership of these faculty have made me more confident in my blackness as a student in these spaces at UPS, and as a Black, queer woman in general. Thinking back on this past weekend, there are many “thank yous” to go around: to volunteers, other faculty, community members, and friends.

However, no thank you will ever encompass the gratitude and admiration myself, Mimi, and Jaylen have for the members of AFAM and RPI. 

A moment of celebrating the work of organizers (photographed left to right) Serena Sevasin, Mimi Duncan, and Jaylen Antoine at Wright Park. Photographed by Makenna Hess-Fletcher.

We as organizers can only hope that Black students in the future can find and cultivate this same support for their work as they make their marks on history, fighting their fights, and refusing to stand by. If they have these same leaders and educators with the passion and intentions to guide them, I can happily say they are in good hands. 

To the members and faculty of African American Studies and the Race & Pedagogy Institute Leadership Team, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Course Reflections

Below are brief reflections about Public Scholarship from the African American Studies students who have been working and learning together over the last semester in order to create this digital space. Spring 2020

Eliza Tesch

In AFAM 399, I felt like a part of the AFAM community for the first time. In this course I met peers who inspire me and can match the passion that I have for learning and for social justice, and had a professor (Dr. Brackett) who cares deeply about the success of all of her students but at the same time pushes us to do our very best work. Without AFAM 399, my semester would most likely have gone very differently. This class was my only class this semester that actually met (virtually) every day we were scheduled to meet, and our (often very lively) class discussions made my day every time. Even virtually, the passion came through from my peers, and we discussed the pandemic, our readings, and current events. Working on the Public has been an incredibly rewarding experience, and I am very proud of what I and my classmates have created. I got to flex my writing muscles while writing about the topics I am most passionate about, and discovered that writing is something I really enjoy and want to pursue further. In summary, the most impactful part of this course has been the community. We have gone on this journey of adjusting to virtual life and school together, and supported each other through this process. This group of people truly give me hope for all of humankind, because if everyone could be as kind, inquisitive, and determined as my 399 class the world would be in great shape. 

Emma Piorier

Participating in AFAM 399 has been transformative. In many ways, the application of the theoretical to our everyday, our campus, our language and the world around us, challenged me to engage in the work of critical social justice in new contexts and broadened my understanding of concepts of justice, power, oppression, community and activism. Through this course and our engagement with Patrica Hill Collins I have grown a comprehension of the larger work I am doing in African American Studies and the context in which it exists within. I have fostered a sense of certainty in my desire to work with theories of public scholarship be it through teaching,writing or speaking outside of the borders of academia. I have felt challenged by my peers, awakened by my classroom and trained to examine the nuances and presence of power and positionality in seemingly small instances of the everyday. I will take these lessons with me throughout my life.

George Jackson

I am very thankful to have taken AFAM 399, Public Scholarship. There are very few classes where I can use what I was taught and put that into immediate use in my life. I took AFAM 399 as part of the African American Studies major not knowing what to expect. Public Scholarship has allowed me to understand the complexities of different issues throughout many different points of view. I have been able to better understand some of the situations I face on a daily basis. Such as thinking about the privileges of those who are not in the minority like myself. As a black male on a predominantly white campus, I do not have the luxury of seeing people who look like myself on a day to day basis. This course has allowed me to gain a better understanding of the power dynamics that occur because of race. I am very appreciative of Dr. Brackett, as well as my peers, for the effort and the relationships I have built through the course.

Isaac Sims-Foster

AFAM 399, for me, was the perfect way to reconnect with a campus that I’ve felt increasingly distant from. After my semester abroad in Namibia, learning about and grappling with the first-hand effects of oppression and racism, I feared that returning to campus would leave me feeling empty; like there was no place for what I had learned to be applied outside of my major. 399 quickly reminded me of how precious social justice oriented education is, precisely for the reason that it circumvents the cultural, political, and societal differences between nations. I found myself again engaging with complex curriculum that elevated my understanding of systemic oppression inherent in our global society’s structures and reconceptualized knowledge as so much more than just what’s published by a university press. The internal and external critical thinking I learned and practiced in Namibia continued seamlessly in AFAM 399, which to me proves the power of social justice literacy and education. AFAM 399 taught me that knowledge has no borders.

Makenna Hess-Fletcher

AFAM 399 taught me the importance of speaking not only to the institution, but to the public. This class reaffirmed the reason I am an African American Studies major, as African American Studies majors do the work!  Creating access to information and resources is ingrained in the work that African American studies majors do. Not only are we scholars but we are neighbors, friends, community members and public scholarship is used to connect these worlds. Through the creation of the digital publication “The Public” I learned that I am capable of partaking in public scholarship even as I continue to work towards my academic goals, that I don’t have to be finished with school to start the work.

Monica Schweitz

This year, I was grappling with a difficult internal dialogue. Several experiences and interactions over the summer and fall of 2019 had made me doubt my choice of major and, on the precipice of graduation, I was beginning to panic. At first, AFAM 399, with its flexible class structure, its relative informality and intimacy of discussion, and the passionate and sometimes vulnerable style of participation it encouraged, for lack of a better word, confused me. This was unlike any other class that I had taken. Was this “academic?” It just felt like honest conversation amongst friends about connections between a text and our lived experiences. But one day, during a discussion on Patricia Hill Collins’ ideas of power and “props,” my perception shifted. I realized that I had been confusing “academic” for dry and dispassionate. My education prior to (and sometimes throughout) college had primed me to accept only that which is written in a textbook as valid knowledge. Burdensome and disinteresting became equated with academic rigor. AFAM 399 changed that for me. Having, sharing, and listening to personal experiences are not just valuable forms of learning, they are, I would argue, the most valuable forms of learning when it comes to the type of learning that precipitates social change. So, of course it is passionate, vulnerable work. That doesn’t mean it’s not scholarship. This realization has left a significant impact on me and is something that I will take with me throughout the rest of my education both in and out of the classroom.

Serena Sevasin

In taking AFAM 399, I have been able to take time to more critically analyze information through the ways in which I validate, process, and share it with others in public spaces. Being a natural skeptic, it was validating to learn that not everything that is shared in masses equates to being legitimate knowledge. This course has helped me expand on what authenticity is, where it comes from, and what authenticity looks like for me. I have been most impacted by the creation of The Public, a publication that has allowed me to expand on my narratives, and more importantly realize just how much they matter. I have had the opportunity to use a column to deconstruct structures of power from a personal lens, and more importantly how to articulate them in ways the everyday student and myself can understand. I find myself grateful for the experience of taking Public Scholarship, and more so knowing the mediums I can utilize to share and expand on information I obtain and experience from other places.

Sofia McLaren

Continuing in this major and specifically in this course (AFAM 399), I have become more confident in my voice. The learning I have done has helped me understand that I can contribute in a meaningful way. We have confronted the topic of positionality which helped each of us realize where we stand in the class, the conversation, and the world. This class has also given me the ability to ask questions I never would have asked. I have stopped taking situations for granted, I am constantly asking myself questions about what happened, why it happened, what could have happened, or what should have happened. I have learned the importance of acknowledging that your perspective is unique to you and cannot be taken for granted. There is no umbrella perspective in this world, each and every person experiences things differently. On a more surface level, this class has also given me the ability and confidence in creating and asking questions. I have always thought I was no good at creating thought-provoking questions that sparked deep discussions; however, because of the weekly questions we had to create and the discussion we had to lead I am more confident in my ability to help people engage critically with materials. This class has also given me general confidence in the decision I have made to major in African American studies. I won’t lie, switching my major was a relief in some ways and scary in others. I knew the classes were engaging and rewarding for me, but it was the outside voices that made it hard. My parents and friends were very supportive, but I got push back from some of the older people in my life, questioning the relevance of the topic and calling it too narrow of an area of study. This course has been an immense solidifying factor for me, it has shown me over and over again the relevance, importance, and necessity of what I have chosen to study. We can not aspire to “check the race box,” we need to live continuously conscious and responsive lives.  

Rachel Lorentz

Going into my Public Scholarship class, knowledge found in academia and “the real world” seemed like two completely separate things to me. Throughout this course, I have learned that Public Scholarship is where the rubber meets the road in academia. It focuses on how to make knowledge created in academia accessible to the public in a way that is useful and understandable to us all. Without Public Scholarship, the impacts of higher education would never reach those who are not fortunate enough to be in academic spaces.

Moose Abdirahman

I am very appreciative of this course, my peers gave me a new insight in life and in my community here at the University of Puget Sound. I have enjoyed creating accessible information and content, not only to show our growth and passions about African American Studies but also to build connectivity amongst each other in the midst of this pandemic. AFAM 399 has really widened my understanding of social justices, and black feminism. I enjoyed the structure of the class and how it prompted critical thinking and empowered a deeper understanding of our own experiences.

Disappearing Act: The AFAM Class I Signed up for was Canceled, and Here’s Why

By Sofia McLaren

Last semester I decided to enroll in AFAM 375, Harlem Renaissance, however, before I could enroll the class was taken down and no longer being offered. The cancellation of classes was a phenomenon I had not experienced before signing up for a class in the African American studies program. I don’t think I even knew it was a possibility, but it seems that the resources in the program can’t always support the classes that professors would like to teach. I immediately mentioned it to Professor Renee Simms, a professor in the African American studies program as well as the English department. Professor Renee Simms explained to me that this kind of thing happened, that they had to delete a specific section of 101 as well because they didn’t have the resources to make it happen. I had other friends who were planning on taking the section of 101 and were also unable to do that. I was irritated, not only because this had happened to a class I wanted to take, but that it had happened in the African American Studies program specifically.

“The identity based programs continue to be the smallest programs on campus and because they are small they don’t get the title of department on the University campus.”

Why was it that I was only hearing about this happening in AFAM? I spoke with Professor Simms about the resources in the program and how the allocated resources are similar to the Gender and Queer Studies program (GQS) as well as Latino Studies. In these identity based programs there tends to be a greater need for and use of adjunct professors which changes the allocation of funds in the program and is an indication that these programs are in need of growth. The identity based programs continue to be the smallest programs on campus and because they are small they don’t get the title of department on the University campus.

“I discussed it with friends and no one else had experienced this in their prospective major departments.”

The deletion of classes was a new thing to me, but I couldn’t believe that I was only hearing about it in the African American Studies department. I discussed it with friends and no one else had experienced this in their prospective major departments. African American studies has had a rollercoaster of a ride at University of Puget Sound (UPS), being part of the curriculum in the 1970s and then being nonexistent from about 1978-1999. However, in the 1990s Dr. Nancy Bristow was hired in the history department and Dr. Hans Ostrom was hired in the English department, both saw the importance of African American Studies and it was approved as an area of study in 1994-1995. The minor first appeared in the bulletin in 1999. Although this was a victory for the field of study, the problem that remains today can be seen with professors housed in other departments helping to round out the African American Studies department or the other way around. An example of this today is Professor Renee Simms, who was hired in 2011, although she is listed as an associate professor in the African American Studies program, she is also a contributing faculty to the English department and works with the Center for Writing, Learning, and Teaching (CWLT), meaning less classes that can be taught in African American Studies. She was originally interviewed to be part of the english department and ended up being hired for the AFAM program and has enjoyed the focus she has been able to allocate to the black diaspora.

Professors have a set salary and that means that they are expected to teach 3 classes a semester, however, there are so many other things going on in the African American studies program, therefore, not all the professors have the opportunity to teach 3 classes within the program, or 3 classes at all. The program is dedicated to actively involving the community and contributing to the University in meaningful ways that they greatly enhance the University in other ways, besides teaching classes. Professor Simms is an example of this, she works in the CWLT as a faculty advisor, which gives her a course release. Course releases can be given for being a faculty advisor in a specific area, grants for research, directing projects, and various other reasons. Due to Professor Simms’ course release she teaches a 3:2 year, meaning she teaches 3 classes during the fall semester and only 2 during the spring semester. The course releases exist to give professors an opportunity to allocate time in other areas besides their classes, showing their dedication to bettering the University in multiple ways.

“The AFAM professors allocate great amounts of extra time to the University, investing in the future of this campus and the students that are enrolled here. It is time for the university to fully invest in the program.”

Dr. Dexter Gordon is another professor in the department with immense responsibilities and projects. He was hired in 2002 as the director and has remained the director of the African American Studies Program, director of the Race and Pedagogy Institute, and a professor in Communications Studies. These roles all take time and dedication and make it difficult for Professor Gordon to teach as many classes as other professors, therefore, he is given course releases for this extended service. The program has managed to stay grounded and in 2015 became designated as a major. The AFAM professors allocate great amounts of extra time to the University, investing in the future of this campus and the students that are enrolled here. It is time for the university to fully invest in the program. The investment in the community that the AFAM program works so hard on is one of the many reasons that the program is valuable. Community involvement is pivotal for getting ideas circulated and giving the University the right recognition. For the amount of investment the AFAM program puts into the University it is time to see the University investing in them.

“The lack of classes is exactly how programs disappear and the AFAM program needs to stay, it is a vital connection for this campus to the community.”

The designation of African American Studies as a major was a huge victory because it was, and still is the only major offered in African American Studies in the state of Washington. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to major in an area of study that I care about, however, I want to know why there is such a struggle to offer enough classes. The battle has become the ability to offer enough classes in the program so that students can achieve the major. Two years after the major was designated, the University hired Dr. LaToya Brackett, a 3-year visiting professor who has now interviewed for a tenure track position and been hired. This interview for a tenure track position came after years of proposals to the university, years of extra work. While these are great accomplishments, the fact remains that the department continues to cancel courses because they do not have the resources to teach them. The lack of classes is exactly how programs disappear and the AFAM program needs to stay, it is a vital connection for this campus to the community. As a community we can not let the program become invisible and slowly disappear, it is our job to make sure the program continues to get stronger.

Upon further questioning, I discovered that the professor who was going to teach the Harlem Renaissance course this semester was Dr. Juli McGruder who retired from the Occupational Therapy Program here at UPS. Dr. Juli McGruder would have been an adjunct professor and that costs more money for the program which is partly why the class was designated to be cancelled. Dr. McGruder did not study African American studies, however she has been very active within the program because, as Professor Simms said, she is “an independent scholar and has a love for Black literature and arts.” The decision for the teaching of the class by an adjunct professor was made by Juli Christoph, the Associate Dean, who also made the decision to cancel the class. According to Juli Christoph there are “usually quite a few (50-100) course additions, deletions, and corrections that happen in the month leading up to registration.”

“The interest and dedication in the program needs to continue to grow because that is the only way to ensure its permanence. The University needs to do their part in helping the AFAM program grow and continue to thrive on this campus, that does not include continuing a pattern of cancellation.”

Although they had found a professor to teach the class, they weren’t able to have a professor from the program teach the class. This shows that even with hiring a visiting professor, now a tenure track professor, the program is still in need of professors and needs to continue to grow in its capacity. In the words of Dr. Gordon, “The future of African American Studies depends, as it always has done, on the work of scholars, students, and communities of interest.” It is important that as a University community we recognize the areas of the institution that need support and relevance on a larger scale than is being offered now. The interest and dedication in the program needs to continue to grow because that is the only way to ensure its permanence. The University needs to do their part in helping the AFAM program grow and continue to thrive on this campus, that does not include continuing a pattern of cancellation. We as students also need to continue to advocate for the program and share the amazing experiences we’ve been given by being a part of the program and by taking the classes taught by incredibly engaging professors.

The Outsider’s View from Inside the Bubble

This piece is written with inspiration from Sandra Rosa Bryant’s work “Studying Abroad On My Own Campus,” featured in the Autumn 2012 Arches publication. After reading her piece, her experiences and those of her peers feeling excluded, isolated, and underappreciated led me to think of how similar my University of Puget Sound narrative is. This piece is written in solidarity to hers, and one that has led me to reflect on my own experience at the university. 

Link to Bryant’s article here: https://www.pugetsound.edu/files/pages/arches/arches_autumn_2012/files/assets/seo/page18.html

What is the University of Puget Sound to me?

When first applying for colleges, I wanted to go as far from Tacoma as the eye could see. It was the beginning of my senior year of high school, and I had just moved to the North End after being raised in South Tacoma the first 17 years of my life, where the University of Puget Sound was far from on my radar. In all honesty I only ended up here due to the scholarships I had been provided, and this was incentive enough to stay. As I have come to learn, being a black student at Puget Sound has been both my greatest learning experience and my greatest hardship. 


Who am I to Puget Sound?

I first noticed a feeling of duality at the end of my first year. I spent most of the time in my first two semesters doing what I had done throughout all of my schooling: being in every club, taking every subject I could fit in a schedule, and making friends in every place I could. However, when getting to college with this same mindset, I felt a heightened emotional exhaustion unlike any I had felt before. I couldn’t put in the same effort, or at least I didn’t feel that I could. No matter how much extra I did nothing was going to be enough for others, and in turn, enough for myself. I grew more and more tired, skipping meals and grabbing the extra coffees, and sitting in the Anderson/Langdon lounge from dusk to dawn doing any and everything to feel ahead because the feeling of accomplishment just wasn’t present. 

How did I realize I didn’t belong?

I went into my second year on campus ramping myself up to do better than I had before, even if what I did before was actually my “best”. I found myself in a rut. I hadn’t come to this realization however until I found myself taking my first AFAM class, an Introductory course to African American Studies with Dr. Brackett. Of course, being in the midst of internal conflict, I did not realize the ways I reflected the oppression I lived by being a black student on campus, and more importantly one trying to leave a mark everywhere I went. There was a single concept we studied that both enlightened and intimidated me: double-consciousness. 

W.E.B. DuBois coined the term double consciousness.** For me, in my own words and reality, double consciousness is my: Blackness, womanhood, and Americaness. My life is seen and controlled by several lenses: my own lens and the lenses of others.  Everything I do is approached from this dual perspective from being both within and outside the dominant group, resulting in an inner conflict and tension I must grapple with every day. 

W.E.B DuBois

How do I define double consciousness…and how does double consciousness look for me, here at Puget Sound?

Once I learned what I was feeling had a term and was quite common for African Americans, I found myself reassessing the way I valued my work, why I valued my work, and where these feelings of validation actually came from. Once I noticed I relied so heavily on the external validation, I found myself more cognisant of my success, and more so seeing that I was and always had spread myself too thin to appease others. In the wake of recent circumstances, going virtual has granted me time to look inside myself, but also to metabolize this new version of reality I have found myself to be living in. I am not nearly as critical to myself, and find I am much more ambitious than cautionary about the way I converse with others, take on projects, and even how I approach academia in general.

How do I continue to move forward with this realization?

Being at the halfway point of my undergraduate experience at the university, I am always expanding on my knowledge of how I shape the world for myself, and how it in turn shapes me, for better or worse. However, out of these lessons have come excess labor, pain, and the necessity for resilience. I find myself growing and strengthening in my knowledge, love, and acceptance of self through being here, but will always find myself wondering if the oppression I feel on a daily basis is worth these lessons. I often find that there is a sort of sadness when thinking between the things I want versus the things I am as a black student at Puget Sound. However, having the ability to learn where these disparities come from in and out of the classroom and living as an active force against a recurring storyline for many like myself is greater than anything a single university could grant me. 

**”It is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his two-ness,—an American, a Negro; two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder.” W.E.B DuBois, The Souls of Black Folk

Regard the Mountain: Remembering Logger Crew

By Monica Schweitz, class of 2020

This article is dedicated to all senior athletes whose last season was cut short by the covid-19 pandemic.

“Regard the mountain.”

These are the words that my coach, Aaron Benson, would say whenever we rowed past Mt. Rainer during a particularly glorious sunrise on American Lake. Whether we were warming up, cooling down, or merely on a thirty-second pause between sprints, he never failed to remind us to stop, to breathe, to appreciate the beauty of the moment we have been given, and to be grateful.

It would be impossible for me to sum up in one little article all the ways that crew has fundamentally changed my life. So, I won’t attempt that. Instead, I want to take this space to acknowledge and be grateful for my experience. The purpose of this article, then, is to pause and simply recognize, appreciate, and celebrate Logger Women’s Crew. In other words, to regard the mountain.

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Logger women at Western Intercollegiate Rowing Association Championships (WIRA) 2019

Crew isn’t one of those sports that gets a lot of attention around campus, and though that has never necessarily bothered me, it has always confused me. Logger Women’s Crew has entailed getting up at 4:20 AM and pushing through twelve to fifteen kilometers of water before the sun comes up. Add afternoon lifting, workouts on the ergometer, and something called academics and the result is, in a word, exhausting. And in another word, badass. Rowing at our university is not something you do on a whim. Maybe you start on a whim freshman year, like I and so many others did, but you stick with it because, in the midst of the grueling practices, bloody hands, frozen backsplash, and burning legs and lungs, you realize that you have fallen in love with the sport and found your best friends.

“And when the coxswain makes my favorite call in her trademark growl-whisper, “it’s time to go,” you need to trust every woman in your boat to, with composure and relentless power, find that extra gear and just go.”

As a freshman coming from a competitive dance background, the concept of a team sport was totally lost on me. In rowing, you need your teammates to be at their best in order to achieve group success. You can (and should) be as competitive as you want with your teammates on the erg, but as soon as you get into the boat together, your fate is linked. Her success is your success, and your failure is hers. And when the coxswain makes my favorite call in her trademark growl-whisper, “it’s time to go,” you need to trust every woman in your boat to, with composure and relentless power, find that extra gear and just go. That’s why (and this is one of my favorite things about this sport) there is very little personal glory in rowing. You win together or not at all.

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WIRA 2019

This is not to say every day is a win. Sometimes, as with all things, there are external factors that negatively affect performance. During a rough practice, when everything seems to be going wrong, my coach always reminds us: just put your blade in the water and pull. You can’t control the speed of your opponent, you can’t control the weather or the wind, and you can’t really control the other women in your boat. The only things always in your control are your attitude and effort—getting the blade of the oar in the water and pulling on it hard. So, during one of those less-than-beautiful practices, when for some reason your lineup just isn’t clicking, you are
being stomped on by the other boat, and the head wind makes it feel like you are pulling through wet cement, we remember: put your blade in the water and pull. And it always helps.

This advice has never been more applicable to general life than it is right now. Speaking for myself, what is happening right now with covid-19 is one hell of a bad practice, like, the worst practice ever. For my teammates and I, the routine that gave us structure and stability and the pursuits that gave us purpose and identity have been taken away overnight and without warning. And none of it was in our control. Personally, the only way I’ve found to cope with the sudden loss of crew is to take it one day at a time and focus on what I can control: how I treat others and how I treat myself. If my teammates have taught me anything, it is that you need to treat yourself with grace in order to access your grit. No one ever achieved peak performance by berating themselves. Likewise, I’ve learned that riding out this crisis will only be possible if I remember to control what I can and be kind to myself about what I can’t, as hard as that may be.

“There’s really no feeling like it. The pure adrenaline of going toe-to-toe with another boat all the way down the course, daring each other to be better, to find the limit and break it, the feeling of all eight blades slinging through the water in perfect harmony, and hearing my coxswain growl my fellow seniors’ names, reminding me who I’m pushing through hell for”

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As incredibly difficult as the loss of crew is and will be for some time, the bonds of friendship, camaraderie, and trust that my senior teammates and I have built with each other is not something that goes away when you take away racing. We have compelled each other to be better versions of ourselves every day for the past four years. We have won, lost, and suffered together and that has made our friendships incredibly strong and resilient in the face of challenges. Nowhere is this better exemplified than in the last 500 meters of a 2k race, when everything in your body is telling you to stop, that you can’t breathe, that it hurts too much, and you must be dying. And just when it gets to be too much, the coxswain calls the sprint. There’s really no feeling like it. The pure adrenaline of going toe-to-toe with another boat all the way down the course, daring each other to be better, to find the limit and break it, the feeling of all eight blades slinging through the water in perfect harmony, and hearing my coxswain growl my fellow seniors’ names, reminding me who I’m pushing through hell for: Elena. Emily. Hannah. Jill. Katia. Katie. Leslie. Phoebe. Sarah. Monica. Louisa. And then steadily breaking through the other boat and taking the lead. There’s no greater feeling than that.

Except maybe when you cross the finish line and finally get to rest.

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Crossing the finish line after a 2k at WIRA 2018